


i thought i found a way out

by 2_many_fandoms_2_little_time



Category: SKAM (Italy)
Genre: Borderline Personality Disorder, M/M, POV Alternating, Suicidal Thoughts, if you get triggered by ANYTHING that has to relate to suicide don't read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 04:39:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17379737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2_many_fandoms_2_little_time/pseuds/2_many_fandoms_2_little_time
Summary: Basically, Nicco is dealing with bad depression. He's also having suicidal thoughts.If you are triggered by anything relating to suicide (this includes the mention of it to the actual act). DO NOT read this. You have been warned.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Loosely based off of Lovely by Billie Elish.

Niccolò always forgets how much fun it was to be manic. How free and happy he is when it takes him over. How he thinks it is the time when he was happiest, even though it is all artificial. That is until Martino came into his life.

 

Martino is Niccolò’s beacon of light in a world of darkness. And right now; oh, how dark it is. How undeserving  _ he _ is. 

 

Marti is at school. It’s Monday and he’d just gotten back from a weekend visit to his father’s this morning and he hasn’t had time to see Nicco. He’d texted him, asking about the weekend, and Nicco had replied: “boring. my boyfriend wasn’t around ;)”. He’d been fine then. And that’s how it always is. He’s fine until he isn’t.

 

Nicco isn’t one of those people who joke about wanting to die all the time. He also isn’t one of those people to say that he’d like to kill himself. No, Niccolò Fares is much more the type to say that he’d like to stop existing and suicide is a way to do it.

 

Suicide. Big word, that one. Full of explanations and reasons.

 

Niccolò just doesn’t want to exist right now. He wants it all to end. Yes, that’ll make Martino sad, but in the end, won’t his boyfriend be happier? Realize what an awful terrible person Niccolò is? How Martino would constantly have to make sacrifices?

 

_ Martino’s pocket knife is right over there. _

 

He can see it from the bed. It’s on top of a few other of Martino’s things that were scattered around the room when he left. But wouldn’t it make Marti feel guilty if Niccolò used his pocket knife?

 

_ Probably.  _

 

_ There are knives in the kitchen. _

 

Niccolò has never cut himself on purpose. He knows loads of other people do, but that never became an unhealthy coping mechanism for him. That’s what mass amounts of alcohol and weed were for.

 

Maybe he should tell Marti. Or at least tell him he loves him. Just so it won’t be a complete surprise. So he won’t be the one to find him. Then again, might Martino rush here to stop him? It seems like something he might do. Because Martino is beautiful and full of kindness and he would do that for anyone. It would be an obligation to help Niccolò. Nicco, the burden. The obligation. The responsibility. At one point this wonderful, wonderful boy decided to date him and Nicco loves him so, so, so much more than that incredible boy ever could.

 

And it’s selfish, he knows, but he needs Martino to know. Three simple words. And an emoji.

 

_ I love you. _

 

He presses send. It doesn’t take long, maybe thirty seconds, before Martino texts back: “I love you too”. A heart emoji echoes the one Nicco sent. Martino doesn’t know. And somehow, for some reason, that hurts.

 

Niccolò leaves his room. He wonders how much it’ll hurt; but after all, that’s not the point. Stopping his existence, stopping the pain he inflicts on Martino daily, that is the point.

 

Nicco walks through the open door into the kitchen.

 

And when Martino gets back, that’s where he finds him.


	2. Chapter 2

Nicco lies on the floor of the kitchen in a pool of his own blood. He’s pale, oh so pale. 

 

Martino’s backpack falls to the floor. “Nicco?” he says. “Nicco? Can you hear me? Oh, God.” He grabs a nearby dish towel and wraps it around Nicco’s left arm, trying to stem the bleeding. He feels Niccolò’s wrist. His pulse is weak but there.

 

Marti pulls his phone out of his back pocket and dials 112. A woman answers. Martino describes the situation and gives the address. She tells him what to do before the ambulance gets there and then she hangs up. Someone else is on the line.

 

Martino waits. Those minutes pass like hours and he’s so, so scared that Nicco will bleed out before the EMTs get there. He frantically searches for Ni’s pulse every ten seconds. He can’t die. Niccolò can’t die. Not when Martino loves him so much.

 

That text. That text Nicco sent him an hour ago. That was his note.

 

Martino can’t hold back tears. Not with the man he loves so very much on the floor in front of him, dying. He should have told Niccolò. He should have told him how much he loves him and how absolutely devastated he will be if Niccolò doesn’t survive this. 

 

But he can’t think that, not now. Nicco is alive and Martino has to keep him that way.

 

The EMTs finally arrive. They quiz him on Nicco’s health and current situation and then they wheel him away. They don’t let Martino into the ambulance. He’s not family.

 

Marti doesn’t have a car. But he does have Ni’s mother’s number. Shit, she doesn’t know yet.

 

He dials. She picks up.

“Hi, Mrs. Fares, it’s Martino,” he says. “Nicco- Nicco’s going to the hospital. I’m at the house and I know you probably want to go straight there, but if you can pick me up and take me there I’ll grab some of his things he might need.”

“Is he going to be okay?” Mrs. Fares says. Martino can hear the worry in her voice.

“I don’t know,” he says and his voice breaks. Tears run freely down his cheeks. The horrible thought that Nicco might not be okay, might not make it re-enters his brain. 

“I’ll be right there,” she says and hangs up the phone.

 

While he waits, Marti packs everything he thinks Nicco or his doctors might need. Then he tries to clean up the blood and throws several rags straight into the trash. After that, he sits down on a chair and waits.

 

Mrs. Fares runs into the apartment and hugs him immediately. “Thank you,” she says. “Thank you for finding him and for calling 112.” He hugs her back and they stand there for several seconds. Her face is also tear stained. “The hospital called me,” she says. “They’re giving him blood and watching him. They say we won’t know for a few hours but we can keep him company. Martino nods mutely. 

 

Niccolò isn’t conscious when they get there. His skin is stark white against the thin hospital sheets and Mrs. Fares throws the blanket Martino brought from her home over her son as a doctor walks in.

“Are you Niccolò’s mother?” he asks. Mrs. Fares nods. “I’m Doctor Barnes. We still have a few hours to go, but he’s responding well to the blood transfusion. His nurse will let you know when we know more.” 

“Thank you,” says Mrs. Fares and Doctor Barnes leaves. Martino and Nicco’s mother have no choice but to wait. And there is nothing worse than waiting.


	3. Chapter 3

When Nicco wakes up, it’s slowly and painfully. His left arm hurts like a bitch and his whole body is stiff. He opens his eyes.

His mother and Martino sit in uncomfortable plastic chairs near the left side of the hospital bed. Martino is staring off into space and his mom is viciously texting someone.

“Marti,” he says. His boyfriend jolts upright and his mom drops her phone.

“Ni,” says Martino softly. He reaches for Nicco’s hand and holds it. “You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay.” He repeats the words over and over again and tears cascade down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” says Niccolò, tears leaking out of his eyes. He didn’t want to hurt Marti like this, how could he hurt Marti like this? “I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m so sorry, Marti.”

“How couldn’t I be hurt like this?” says Martino. “Ni, I love you. That’s not going to change.” Niccolò’s mother walks around the hospital bed to the other side.

“We love you so much, Niccolò,” she says and she leans over to hug him. Everyone is crying and Nicco is suddenly so, so sorry for ever thinking about hurting them like this. 

 

It takes another 48-hours before Nicco can be released from both suicide watch and the hospital. He, his parents, and Martino go to the Fares’ house immediately and Mrs. Fares makes pasta before taking herself and Mr. Fares off to work. Niccolò knows his parents trust Marti as much as he does.

Nicco and Marti finish their pasta and end up under the covers of Nicco’s bed. Martino is holding Niccolò in his arms and Nicco knows he’s terrified of letting go.

“I’m okay,” Niccolò says, looking up into Marti’s face. His boyfriend’s brow is furrowed.

“I know,” says Martino, “but I’m terrified that if I let go, you’ll be gone and won’t come back.” His voice is hollow and scared and his eyes linger on the long white bandage on Nicco’s arm. “I love you so much, Ni.”

“I love you too, Marti,” he says. “And I’m so, so sorry. I never want to leave you. And I won’t try. Not again.” Martino kisses him and Nicco kisses back. They’re desperate, longing, and fulfilling. Neither can be close enough to one another and they hug each other tightly and urgently. Nicco never wants to leave Marti’s arms and he knows Marti never wants to let him go. Nothing else matters, not Niccolò’s borderline personality disorder, not Martino’s shitty attendance record, and most certainly not anything outside of this bedroom. All that matters to them are each other and they are not letting go.


End file.
